January 2013

So…Christmas miracle didn’t happen :( Our test came back negative.

Since that point, we’ve moved to Colorado for my amazing husband’s job, and fortunately, the #1 fertility clinic just happens to be located here. So we are trying again, with another fresh round of IVF. Our doctor here has a very different approach to IVF, and the process will be very different for us this time, which is exciting, as what we did before didn’t work. While we are really excited to be trying again, it is also incredibly scary. IVF is emotionally and physically draining, and the fact that it costs tens of thousands of dollars for each cycle doesn’t exactly help. While I am trying to be optimistic about this cycle, and envision it being successful, the realistic part of me can’t stop thinking about what will happen if this doesn’t work. The reality is that we probably can’t afford another cycle after this for at least a year. We’re still paying off the last cycle, and starting to pay for this cycle, and have already opened a new credit card to help pay for it.

When you start fertility treatments, you never think you’re going to get to the next step. Throughout the whole process, I’ve thought whatever we were doing would work. Trying naturally, I thought we’d be fine. Then it wasn’t happening, so we went to IUI’s. During IUI, I never thought we would get to IVF. IUI’s didn’t work, so we started IVF. Now we’ve had 2 unsuccessful rounds of IVF, and I’m starting to really understand that it might not work. And if it doesn’t, we really only have two options- a gestational carrier or adoption. And that is terrifying. We want a child more than anything, and ultimately, will do whatever it takes to get there. But the thought of not carrying our baby, not feeling it move, not feeling the pain of delivery? It absolutely crushes me. There is absolutely nothing I wouldn’t do to experience a pregnancy and birth. I feel like it is the most natural thing a woman does, and is almost a god-given right. And I can’t do it.

There are actually statistics that say that women going through infertility have a higher rate of depression that cancer victims. While that may seem odd, I can totally understand it. Not to belittle those with cancer (as I know how difficult it is, and how crushing it can be to those around it), but I feel like dealing with infertility can be so hopeless and without a clear treatment plan, that those statistics seem completely true.

I don’t know what’s going to happen with this next cycle, but I will keep hoping that our prayers will be answered and we will be blessed with the opportunity to bring a child into this world.